"He's a Jones"

It’s night time, I’m listening, watching the fireworks and crackers along side the sounds of distant drums, music, excited children and the usual nocturnal dogs and beeping horns.

Finishing my what, third, PowerPoint presentation in 30 days? Work is feeling more and more like those distant pre-diwali sounds – I understand it, I know what’s going on but I’m so far from the people it affects I can’t even count it as an experience.

It has been two months. I’m falling into a groove (maybe more of a pothole), with everything. I stopped noticing the three story house being built with the arms of the sinewy men as they balance on the bamboo twine-tied scaffolding and with bricks that women have baked in the sun and carried on their heads. I walked by today, like I do every day and made eye contact with a man on his hunches taking a brief rest (to feel more ashamed – with my recent men problems the first thing that came to mind was “don’t make eye contact, he might get the wrong idea”), his face was tired but also accomplished. It was only then I actually noticed that the brick walls were up and the cement had been dried around the windows, floors and doors. The last time I bothered looking, the basic structure was barely being defined.

Delhi has grown in the last couple of weeks and I haven’t taken notice. I’m ignorant.

I think there are different ways to become self-absorbed – sometimes one becomes preoccupied with how one is relating to the world (i.e. friends, family, coworkers, strangers, environment, and the rest) and sometimes one becomes preoccupied with how the world is relating to oneself. I guess both allow a certain level of self-discovery but obviously, I think the less absorbed, more open-eyed and open-minded (clearly the less self-centered) is the former. Unfortunately, I’ve been worrying about the latter – i.e. Is Delhi/India treating me right?

First I got the Diu Belly, than a really horrible plaguing head-cold. Both made me feel sorry for myself. I also made the mistake of making Lokesh (my neighbor) feel like he was a friend / close to me. I introduced him to Arnav (Ronnie) and we went out for some food and drinks. I didn’t realize exactly how much status counted in this society, especially when it comes to rich little spoiled boys or how much I’m seen as a piece of property - a thing - not a person. Now I have someone monitoring my life. I learned my lesson, now I just have to figure out how to fix it. All this…I really thought all these things were just happening to me - I didn’t deserve them, I didn’t ask for them, it’s horrible. Then I realized Delhi’s not trying to change me, infect me or influence me, I need to be more proactive. I guess it’s that old “life doesn’t just happen, you gotta make it” thing. I’ve been saying that for awhile. When will I start listening to it? I’m so wrapped up in how I’ve been disappointed with things lately that it’s over shadowed the things I’ve been satisfied with. I don’t know. I’m rambling.

It’s Dewali this weekend and unfortunately I’m stuck in Delhi. But then again, Delhi is supposed to be the best place for such celebrations. We’ll see. I do know that the shops and stores have spilt out into the streets and that coloured “Christmas” lights are lighting up the nights.

The Vision Building Workshop is right after dewali. I have gotten most of my saris prepared for the dinner and cocktail parties. Oh yah, and my presentations are going well. It’ll be an interesting dynamic to have all the member associations for South Asia in one place - listening to our relatively new office preach about what should be done.

I also just found out I will be flying to Bombay to attend a conference on male responsibility with sexual reproductive health and family planning on the 28th of this month. It’s a very, very well known conference in this area and I’m excited to be attending even though the pessimistic part of me feels like I’m just a glorified recording device for my organization (in other words that they are just sending me because they need someone to take in the information and disseminate it to IPPF) but hey, it’s a free trip to Mumbai all expenses paid. What’s better than that?

On more negative news, my plans for traveling the south of India this Christmas have fallen through. Everyone that is capable of traveling at Christmas that I know is either going home or having their family come here. I’ll probably do a short trip for a few days but nothing like my 3 week holiday I thought I’d have. That makes me sadder then anything. I really wanted to see south India. I hate being in a country I love but not having independence to do what I want, when I want to.

Both criticisms and pick-me-ups are welcome.

Love you guys.

The one having a negative day,

michelle